Things about me, part III (A gambler I'm not)

#3. I suck as a card player

Ok, so you’re getting a bonus here—two revelations in one day—yahoooooo!! Actually, while my nose is running like a sieve and the Sudafed’s made me jumpier than a night watchman at a morgue, I’m feeling somewhat better and my head doesn’t feel like it’s being squeezed in a vice (see earlier post about my annual cold—ok, so I’m also a big baby, alright, already!).

Since we are living in the era of celebrity poker and card games seem to be ubiquitous no matter what time of day you channel surf, I’m one of probably three people who absolutely suck at cards.

I don’t mean I’m a poor player and lose regularly—I can’t even fucking shuffle the deck and deal with any proficiency. A card shark I am not!!

As I was watching the Bruins game out of desperation (and my eyes can't take anymore reading), as the Celtics are off, there are no NBA games on and the only basketball is some college games by two schools I don’t give two shits about, there was this commercial for Foxwoods Casino.

There are four or five guys sitting around a table—I think they’re firemen. The guy dealing is trying to shuffle and the only way to describe his acuity is by saying he is “hamfisted.” He can’t shuffle, he’s awkwardly shuffling like no one you’ve ever seen (except me) and when he tries to do the fancy shuffle, the cards fly everywhere. The premise—head to Foxwoods instead.

I’m not a fan of legalized gambling and I think these casinos are just another form of regressive taxation, but damn, it was a funny commercial and so captured my own inabilities as a card player.

My point? Don’t expect to catch see me at an all night poker party any time soon.